Love is all that matters...

Ok, so its corny as hell, but it is true - Love is really all that matters...

After spending my life holding my emotions inside, I am finally allowing myself to feel - and boy did I this weekend! I cried all through my step-sister's wedding!! It started when I saw her Dad and the look on his face when he saw her, and ended when they left the reception some 6 hours later!

 

I kept looking around at the couples (my own boyfriend was not there, as its still very early for us and he did not get an invite...) and the love they shared, the love of my step dad for his daughter, the love of our family members towards her (and myself in actual fact..) and I realised what I had shut myself out of...

I am an empath, I was born with this gift unknowingly (well, in body anyway) and have not understood it for much of my life. Unfortunately, when my Pop died a week after I was born and I was inundated with feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, shame, guilt and sadness I did not know how to react. It turns out that this is the source of my heartburn I apparently had util I was 6 months old and the fact that I am an emotional cripple! The way I chose to deal with these emotions, and the intensity of them, was to cower from them. To hide away and not feel any at all because it is so intense and scary and I did not want to do that anymore. I was a baby, give me a break! Now I understand fully the ramifications of that choice and am taking steps to rectify it. Needless to say, I think it worked.

 

I looked around and realised that I did not have this in my life - true love. I have the potential sure, but I have not tapped into it out of fear based on my early experiences in life. Therefore, it has finally hit home what I am missing out on! I want to experiene this closeness with another person and I am determined to leap into the unknown (another issue I am working on) as I have realised that love really is the only thing that matters. If you don't have love, then you have nothing, or a whole bunch of superficial somethings...

Either way, I have opened myself up a little bit and this is what I have realised, so now I will endeavour to open myself up completely and enjoy the ride!

Realising your Inner Beauty

I have had a very interesting couple of weeks. Many issues have been healed or are still in the process of healing (32 years is a very long pattern to break - still, I'm thankful its not 62!!). I am writing this because I feel I need to share something with the world. Something that I am still coming to terms with and what may take a while to assimilate.

The issue is the portayal of beauty in society and how it has affected me. I have not realised how much of my life I spend comparing my own beauty to others and repressing the need to conform (I say repressing because I am determined not to!). I am torn between the feminist 'beauty is on the inside' and the social 'you must look like this to be beautiful'. Ok, so maybe the former may not necessarily be a feminist viewpoint, yet the meaning seems contrary to popular belief. Unfortunately for me, I fall into the 'popular' section of society at this time.

This has come about mainly due to a recent event in which I was the only overweight brunette in a wedding party of thin blonde women. I felt inadequate in my lumpiness and different in the fact that I was not a blonde. Worse, I have blue in my hair as well, which made me seem all the more distant. You might be saying here 'hey, that's awesome! you should be proud of your curves and hair!' etc etc, but before you do I would really like to explain something.

I have spent a major chunk of my life feeling like I needed to conform to the ideas of others about who I should be and what I should want out of life. I even allowed one group of friends to convine me to break up with my boyfriend in high school, one I really liked, based on what they thought the relationship should be. Ridiculous I know, but I did not at the time. Since then I have worked very hard to ignore this little voice telling me that I should do something a certain way etc etc and have worked on finding me. And I thought I had done a good job...

Turns out, I am still quite easily able to fall back into the old habits of pleasing others and conforming! Which now really pisses me off (but I am going to try not to beat myself up over it this time!) - I should, AND DO, know better! Still, I felt so nervous about 'making the cut' that I ended up almost giving myself a migraine! (yep... blurred vision and everything! All I can say is, thank you Reiki!) And how would that have gone down  - bridesmaid gets migraine, ruins wedding! I do feel, as an empath, that I was picking up on the nerves and fears of some of the others in the bridal party (most notably the bride!!), but not all of it was theirs. I know this because as soon as I had my makeup and hair done, looked in the mirror and saw myself I was stunned! The transformation was amazing - and I don't usually say those things about myself, but the makeup artist was exactly that - an artist!

So I felt marginally better. But the nagging thing is still that I allowed myself to get so worked up in the first place! Why do we do this? Why are we - or more specifically ME - so concerned with fitting in and keeping up? Why is it that someone who is as self-aware as I am can allow themselves to be sucked back down to that level? I know there is more to beauty than what is on the outside, and yet I am still hesitant to gain strength from my own inner beauty and allow it to shine forth!! I do not know why this is, but I am sure there is something here about deservability and worthiness. I do know that I do not ever want to experience that again in my life, so I am going to focus on connecting with my inner beauty and perhaps working on making my own outer beauty more appealing to me... Not sure how yet, but I am sure the universe will guide me to what is best for my geatest good!!

I know think that some of this was from another bridesmaid, who is definitely in the 'conformist' camp! I first met her a few years back and recognised her as a kindred spirit. She was a flower child without a doubt! However, it seems that her years with pretentious, materialistic, shallow people has hampered her own spirit and it is struggling for air somewhere down near her toes!! She has conformed with their idea of blonde, beautiful, married, with a nice house and two cars, a couple of dogs (and she is a self-confessed cat person!). I look at her and pity her, which is definitely not what I should be doing, but I can't help it! She has allowed all of her true spirit to be squashed to the point of her becoming completely uptight! But, I digress - the issue here is that maybe she was feeling an intense need to conform to their idea of beautiful and I was picking up on her emotions? Maybe it was never me at all? I say this now, because when I had finished my hair and makeup she was doing hers as well - I am trying to remember the timeline, but it might fit... Also, there was a moment whe I was outside in the sun when it all disappeared. And there was the fact that when I looked at myself in the mirror at one stage I did not recognise my own reflection and actually thought to myelf 'I am not me!?' Anyway, it is an interesting proposition for me if this is true. In fact it may negate this blog entirely, yet I'll keep it as I am not sure... Still, it is a timely reminder to always stay grounded in yourself no matter what!!

I am not sure what to do about this now, thought I am painfully aware of the need for each individual to honour their own beauty, inside and out! More than ever, we should not compare ourselves to others as we do not know their journey, their purpose for being here this lifetime. We need to connect, and remain connected, to our own spirit and give those who are not as much love as possible... That's a good start, right??

Veritas: The Nature of Truth

It's funny how the word 'truth' gets bandied around as if it makes what came before it fact for all people. It's funny how people also hide behind their 'truth' and use it as an excuse for their actions or for why they have not evolved. 'I have found truth, I'm done!!' It's funny how people use their truth as a tool to judge, discriminate and hold prejudices against people, most often without proof or personal experience of any kind. Ok, so funny may not be the right word here, but you get what I mean... This has started my own search for the meaning of truth and an understanding of how it works and why it is so important to us as individuals and society as a whole.

For me, Truth is a dynamic concept, changing depending on circumstance, experience and position. It is what it is based entirely upon the individual's own perceptions and experiences. True, the ideas of the individual can be formed based upon the ideas of the whole, as with religion or cultural ideals, but it is ultimately the responsibility of the individual to perpetuate certain truths.

People use truth, or truths, as a basis for their life philosophies which affect their actions and interactions with others. It is part of my personal truth to honour the Earth and keep it clean, not out of any belief in a mother Goddess or the spiritual nature of the land on which I walk, but as a need to help keep it habitable for future generations. This in turn guides my actions - I am always picking up rubbish in the playground at school. I do this for the Earth first and foremost, the idea of being an example to the students is secondary in my mind. But the philosophy of looking after the planet guides what I do in my daily practice.

Truth can also give you meaning and direction. I had none before I discovered my truth relating to the spiritual nature of my life. My belief in Reincarnation and Karma has helped me to understand why I am here, what I did to create these circumstances (in this life and past ones) and a road map for correction. I do not want to repeat past patterns, and understanding where they came from and the lessons involved helps me to break these and work toward being a better person.

But this still does not address the issue at hand - what is the nature of truth? We know it is changeable, being affected by the perspective of the individual, but there is way more to it.

Truth is a very wide concept, covering both negative and positive aspects of society. Truth can:
- hurt as well as heal
- be hidden or flaunted, and every variation between
- be used to control or set free
- be manipulated or spoken freely
- willingly changed or stubbornly adhered to
- used to a person's advantage or disadvantage
- lived and experienced or ignored

I am sure there are many more variations to the above characteristics, but one thing remains certain for me - honesty is always the best policy. I have recently entered into a very adult relationship where we both speak our truth in every circumstance. We have agreed not to take it personally, but accept that the other might think differently and work within these limitations. There have been many times in recent weeks where I have spoken a truth (diplomatically, of course!) I would once have hidden for fear of hurting the other person, and how refreshing is it! To be able to explain to the person exactly where your head is at (or your heart!), to be completely honest and know that the other person will accept it. There have been times (and probably more to come) where my truth has been challenged (both from him and within myself - mostly because when I speak a truth it seems completely ridiculous and I immediately find another that makes more sense!), but it has been done in a respectful manner. I return this favour to him when I feel I need to challenge his truth. Either way, the main idea remains the same - It is not personal, it's just how I feel at this time. We both understand and respect the changeable nature of truth and work within these limitations as well.

I feel it is important to have a healthy respect for truth and an understanding of how it works. Knowing this can help you to be more respectful of other people while still honouring your own truth. It is also important to understand that another person's truth is not a personal attack on you, but an entirely individual way of looking at things. If it goes against your own truth, discuss it as adults or leave the relationship - one should never actively try to make another's truth fit their own. Here's hoping more people have this same healthy respect......