I have had a very interesting couple of weeks. Many issues have been healed or are still in the process of healing (32 years is a very long pattern to break - still, I'm thankful its not 62!!). I am writing this because I feel I need to share something with the world. Something that I am still coming to terms with and what may take a while to assimilate.
The issue is the portayal of beauty in society and how it has affected me. I have not realised how much of my life I spend comparing my own beauty to others and repressing the need to conform (I say repressing because I am determined not to!). I am torn between the feminist 'beauty is on the inside' and the social 'you must look like this to be beautiful'. Ok, so maybe the former may not necessarily be a feminist viewpoint, yet the meaning seems contrary to popular belief. Unfortunately for me, I fall into the 'popular' section of society at this time.
This has come about mainly due to a recent event in which I was the only overweight brunette in a wedding party of thin blonde women. I felt inadequate in my lumpiness and different in the fact that I was not a blonde. Worse, I have blue in my hair as well, which made me seem all the more distant. You might be saying here 'hey, that's awesome! you should be proud of your curves and hair!' etc etc, but before you do I would really like to explain something.
I have spent a major chunk of my life feeling like I needed to conform to the ideas of others about who I should be and what I should want out of life. I even allowed one group of friends to convine me to break up with my boyfriend in high school, one I really liked, based on what they thought the relationship should be. Ridiculous I know, but I did not at the time. Since then I have worked very hard to ignore this little voice telling me that I should do something a certain way etc etc and have worked on finding me. And I thought I had done a good job...
Turns out, I am still quite easily able to fall back into the old habits of pleasing others and conforming! Which now really pisses me off (but I am going to try not to beat myself up over it this time!) - I should, AND DO, know better! Still, I felt so nervous about 'making the cut' that I ended up almost giving myself a migraine! (yep... blurred vision and everything! All I can say is, thank you Reiki!) And how would that have gone down - bridesmaid gets migraine, ruins wedding! I do feel, as an empath, that I was picking up on the nerves and fears of some of the others in the bridal party (most notably the bride!!), but not all of it was theirs. I know this because as soon as I had my makeup and hair done, looked in the mirror and saw myself I was stunned! The transformation was amazing - and I don't usually say those things about myself, but the makeup artist was exactly that - an artist!
So I felt marginally better. But the nagging thing is still that I allowed myself to get so worked up in the first place! Why do we do this? Why are we - or more specifically ME - so concerned with fitting in and keeping up? Why is it that someone who is as self-aware as I am can allow themselves to be sucked back down to that level? I know there is more to beauty than what is on the outside, and yet I am still hesitant to gain strength from my own inner beauty and allow it to shine forth!! I do not know why this is, but I am sure there is something here about deservability and worthiness. I do know that I do not ever want to experience that again in my life, so I am going to focus on connecting with my inner beauty and perhaps working on making my own outer beauty more appealing to me... Not sure how yet, but I am sure the universe will guide me to what is best for my geatest good!!
I know think that some of this was from another bridesmaid, who is definitely in the 'conformist' camp! I first met her a few years back and recognised her as a kindred spirit. She was a flower child without a doubt! However, it seems that her years with pretentious, materialistic, shallow people has hampered her own spirit and it is struggling for air somewhere down near her toes!! She has conformed with their idea of blonde, beautiful, married, with a nice house and two cars, a couple of dogs (and she is a self-confessed cat person!). I look at her and pity her, which is definitely not what I should be doing, but I can't help it! She has allowed all of her true spirit to be squashed to the point of her becoming completely uptight! But, I digress - the issue here is that maybe she was feeling an intense need to conform to their idea of beautiful and I was picking up on her emotions? Maybe it was never me at all? I say this now, because when I had finished my hair and makeup she was doing hers as well - I am trying to remember the timeline, but it might fit... Also, there was a moment whe I was outside in the sun when it all disappeared. And there was the fact that when I looked at myself in the mirror at one stage I did not recognise my own reflection and actually thought to myelf 'I am not me!?' Anyway, it is an interesting proposition for me if this is true. In fact it may negate this blog entirely, yet I'll keep it as I am not sure... Still, it is a timely reminder to always stay grounded in yourself no matter what!!
I am not sure what to do about this now, thought I am painfully aware of the need for each individual to honour their own beauty, inside and out! More than ever, we should not compare ourselves to others as we do not know their journey, their purpose for being here this lifetime. We need to connect, and remain connected, to our own spirit and give those who are not as much love as possible... That's a good start, right??
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